Coulrophobia

Here in my tribute to Halloween, I have decided to do some special posts. First off, thanks for sticking with me, loyal readers! (Special shout out to my three official followers and the other... like, 3 or 4 people who read this blog! Supposedly around 30 people view it per day... to you all I say don't be shy. Say hello!) So, because I like you, you get another list from me! (My blog has a lot of lists... AND asides). I was originally going to do a post on the things I fear most... but darn it, my blog has been gloomy and doomy enough, so I'll leave out all of my rational fears (you know, like failure, rejection, coming up short, blah blah blah. Lots of people fear those same things.) and instead regale you with all of my irrational fears. (AKA the comical ones. Ya see what I mean by asides?)

NOW PRESENTING... KEVIN'S BOTTOM FIVE FEARS!!!

Number 5) Bears

Rawr. Or Yawn?

Apparently, I'm terrified of bears. Absolutely terrified. Now I know what you're (probably not) thinking, "But Kevin! You've never seen a bear in your life! For what possible reason could you possibly fear bears?" Well, I have two things to say to that. One: I HAVE seen a bear. From far away. At Yellowstone. Two: Thank you for not ending the second statement in a preposition. I put bears at 5 because I don't think I'm afraid of them in the waking world... but when I have nightmares where some dangerous beast is chasing me, it is ALWAYS a bear. Even when I dreamt (ten points for Ye Olde English) I was in Jurassic Park. No dinosaurs. Just bears.

Number 4) Very Loud Noises

Wow, that's creepier than I remember.

This one time, at Disney World, there was this ride called Countdown to Extinction. I love dinosaurs, but when the Time Travel portion happened, they accompanied it with an amazing loud screech, which frightened me so much I closed my eyes through the entire thing. So we rode it again. I love that ride now. We're pals.

Number 3) Getting on the Roof

Meanwhile, in Paris AKA Not My House

There once was a time when I thought I was invincible. Fast forward to when I was 20. I totally ruined my knee, and my delusions of invincibility went with it. And somehow in my brain that equates to staying off rooftops. Huh.

Number 2) Evil Ghost Girls Who Crawl Out of TV'S or Whatever is Topical at the Time

And that's all the movie I'll ever see.

Once upon a time, two of my older brothers were discussing the differences between the Japanese and American version of the horror movie "The Ring". The story is one hundred percent preposterous (I mean, who uses VCRs anymore?), but just imagining what the movie must have been like was enough for me to not sleep for two consecutive nights. And no, I don't plan on seeing either version of that movie for... well, ever.

Number 1) Clowns

Even this scares me.

Pro tip: If you hate me, please order a clown to come to my birthday party. Let me just start by saying I am really really really really really REALLY scared of clowns (whose phobia is clinically classified as "Coulrophobia"*). I'm not sure what it is about them. Besides EVERYTHING, I would probably emphasize some notable traits: The painted on smiles, their affinity for children, their fiendish laughter, their unnatural features... Truth be told, though, I have no idea where this fear originates. But all I know now is that I am really ridiculously afraid of clowns. Seriously. If I was walking down the street and I saw a clown coming my way, I would cross sides at all costs, even at great personal peril. I mean, LOOK AT THEM! EVIL! Nothing but unadulterated, vile, fiendish EVIL!

So now you all know. Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I am also deeply afraid of giant squids and I used to be incredibly afraid of Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty; in particular, the eyes in the fireplace scene. Shudder. Anyway, that's it from me! See ya next time!

*I have not been diagnosed with Coulrophobia. I just know what it's called. Just saying, is all.