The Lamest Dance Ever

Sit down all and let me tell you a tale of how our society and youth have declined. Maybe it's just part of growing up, or maybe it's part of the bubble I presumed myself to be in for so many years. Many years ago, I was once an avid attender of Stake Dances. They were such a grand old time! We would go to ask the wallflowers to dance to make their nights, get crazy with the disco (crazy as in dance something that is still pretty conservative), and participate in the Macarena, the (shudder) Boot, Scoot and Boogie, and make sure we found at least one or two pretty girls to meet and dance with... in a slow, refined, hand in hand facing-your-partner-and-actually-striking-up-some-kind-of-meaningful-conversation type way.

I left on my mission for two years, with fond memories of dances, with memories of what I learned in Ballroom Dance, Stake Dance visits, the every-once-in-a-while stomp, and Proms and Morps and everything else in between (except Sweethearts, which no one ever asked me to. Once. Thanks for nothing.).

Then something the heck happened. I came back and attended my first dance. I was invited by an anonymous cousin of mine because I had finally decided I maybe wanted to start having a little more fun and meeting new people more. I figured a Singles Dance was a good place to begin. When I arrived, it was dark and rainy... and 3 dollars later, in we went. Suddenly I wondered where all the cute girls were. I looked all around and pondered what that horrible noise was that was coming from the speakers. I wondered if I had even arrived at the dance... all I could see were people jumping next to each other with some completely unintelligible lyrics spewing forth from the deafening speakers. I figured I would meet people and ask a girl or two to dance and then peace out.

I waited and waited. What, is no slow song even going to play? I thought to myself. Turns out there wasn't to be one. Finally, after several requests, a slow one was played, which just happened to be the last one of the night. The volume of the music, however, didn't change. Our conversation went like this...

"Hi, what's your name?"
"WHAT?!"
"I SAID 'WHAT'S YOUR NAME'!"
"Oh! It's ......"
"WHAT?!"
"IT'S ANNA! (I think)"
"NO BANANAS, I'M GOOD, THANKS!"
"DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WERE.... oh, song's over. Thanks."

Yeah. That good. Later we had the opportunity to attend another one. It was on Halloween Eve, and was going until 1:00 in the morning at SLCC. We went to appease the same cousin. We got there, and lo and behold, it was a repeat of the first time. Only worse. Much much worse. Every girl decided that Halloween is a great excuse to dress like a skank, the "music" sounded like some guys chanting to a beat that NEVER CHANGED from song to song, and during the course of the dance, my cousin told me to go and meet new people. By "meet" he meant walk into circle and bump butts or hips or whatever was at my disposal below my shoulders with random sluts. Oooooookkkaaaaayyyy.....

I looked around. I asked myself "What am I doing here?" After that, I realized that I had no business being there whatsoever. Sure, I wanted to meet people, and I wanted to have fun. I happen to enjoy dancing, actually. Instead, I spent a lot of time dodging scantily clad girls (who I'm pretty sure were drunk) who just wanted some action and jumping at each other.

Moral of the story? Dances today suck. Bad.