Yer a wizard, Kevin!

I am fascinated by dreams. I love having them, I love hearing the dreams of others... I just love dreams. I know I'm not alone, because there are easily scores of books and songs and poems describing dreams as places where we can go to reunite with loved ones, or live out our fantasies, or what have you. Even Daft Punk begins a song with the lyrics, "Last night, I had a dream about you. In this dream, I'm dancing right beside you and it looked like everyone was having fun... the kind of feeling I've waited so long."

Then there're my dreams. Take a few nights ago for instance.

So there we were. Idaho, for some reason. Apparently, a group of friends and I traveled up to this small home in Idaho where a mutual friend of ours lived. In our band was my brother Christopher, and I think Audrey O., of all people. (By the way, I don't control my dreams at all. Deal with it.) Turns out he or she wasn't home at the time of our visit, so we ended up leaving to go to a very Classic Skating-esque place to kill some time. So we went there, hung out for a bit, and then we were back in the house. To my horror, my car was inundated by the murkiest brown water of all time. I knew that if we wanted to leave, we would have to get my car out. Christopher came up with a brilliant (?) plan to let the water out by flooding the house just the tiniest bit. Super. Then it came time for us to leave.

Suddenly, I was driving my car and approaching the entrance to I-15 via the frontage road around 9000 South. It was very late at night (?) and as I approached the entrance, I immediately noticed a 7 to 9 headed freaking Basilisk Hydra thing blocking my entrance onto the freeway. The beast was enormous, tan-colored, and could shoot fire out of its mouth, for crying out loud. My first plan was to drive my car into it head on, no matter the consequences. However, as I got closer, I realized what a terrible idea that was turning out to be. So I drove alongside it, turned the car around, and tried my new plan. I knew this thing was trying to stop me. Suddenly I knew that all of my friends and I were about to take part in a deadly game.

My car transformed into a Batman-esque motorcycle, and suddenly I had a wand in my hand. Immediately, I knew what to do. I slammed on the gas, pointed my wand at the hydra and shouted in my best Potter voice, "Patronum!" Nothing happened. Again, I yelled, "Patronum!" and suddenly I was engulfed by an orange light.

Suddenly I appeared at a building that was a cross between a church building and the Castle of Chaos on 3300 South-ish. I walked into what looked like an Elder's Quorum room, where I saw my old friend Kolby. During the "lesson", he asked me who I was dating. The only name that came to mind was the name of his wife, but I wouldn't say it because I wasn't actually dating her. Suddenly, a name came to my mind of someone else (who, by the way, I'm not dating in real life either), but I would not tell him. The class ended, and I knew I'd passed the second test.

I was standing in a line of people, waiting to see what the game had in store for us next. I saw Audrey was in the group of people, and was like, "How did she survive the hydra?" But I guess I figured she had some magic powers of which I wasn't aware. Good for her! Anyhow, I noticed up some stairs a shadowy figure who looked like a cross of the brain people from John Carter and Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. Suddenly I knew he was the one behind this, and a vision of the future cropped up in my mind. We were about to enter an auditorium, and they were going to quiz the audience... should they get the answer wrong, they were going to be destroyed by a laser, or fireball... can't remember which.

So I spotted where some friends of mine were sitting, (the only one I can remember for sure is Nicole W.) I went to sit with them, fully aware of the danger that was presented to us. My family was seated on the row behind us, and I prepared to stop this game once and for all. I was the chosen one, man.

And then I woke up. Have fun with that, Inception team!

And the winner is....

So last week I posted a little quiz for everyone   my followers   my friends anyone who reads my blog ever. I claimed in the last sentences that there would be prizes for most creative answers. Turns out the winner was...

ME! I guess nobody wants these free Olive Garden Gift Cards. Talk about living beneath your privileges.

If you'll excuse me, pasta waits for no man. But man does, in fact, wait for pasta.

Hasta la pasta!

You Don't KNOW Me!

So let's get acquainted, shall we? Take a seat in front of your computer/phone and imagine you and I are gonna have ourselves a little conversation. A delightful conversation. A "choose-your-own-adventure" conversation. That's right, you probably checked out this blog thinking I was gonna post some relevant, topical, edgy entry talking about, like, how I'm unique and stuff. Nope! You, my friend, are going to show me just how well you know me... or how well you THINK you know me. Ready, set, GO!

Hi there, __(your name)__! Good to see ya. So, where are we going?
A. A fancy restaurant.
B. To church.
C. To the football game, yo!
D. Home... school... work... somewhere, I guess.
E.______(place)________
Sounds great! I would love to go to (previous answer). So, what are we going to do when we get there?
A. Have a fancy dinner, make googly eyes at each other, etc.
B. Work. Lots and lots of work.
C. Party like there's no tomorrow, man! Get out the Dew, bro!
D. Play video games, relax, maybe talk. We'll see.
E. ______(activity)________
We arrive at the place. Along the way, we've talked about a lot of things. You know, small talk and what not. The one topic I avoided WAS...
A. How much I want to look into your loving eyes forever.
B. My observations on life, the universe, and everything.. but not the movie. (Well, maybe the movie.)
C. You avoid topics when you talk? I swear, man...
D. Politics or sports, or.... movies?
E. _____(Topic)______
I decide that, once having arrived, I should tell you a story. It will be...
A. Romantic and fascinating.
B. Long and ramble-y, just the way you like it.
C. Mind-numbing.
D. Good, then boring, then... maybe we should just get ice cream?
E._____(Adjective)______
I begin telling the story. Suddenly, zombies. My first course of action is...
A. Take you into my strong, studly arms and say something rash like, "I'll die for you!"
B. Calmly assess the situation, find an escape/weapon, and get out of there.
C. Trip you and run for it.
D. Scream like a little girl and fall to the floor in despair. Or die. Or die screaming.
E._____(Action)_________
After devising a plan, I decide I need a weapon. Of course I choose...
A. My stunning good looks.
B. None. My brain is all I need. (And, coincidentally, it's all they want.)
C. You. As a shield. Thanks!
D. Uh, a knife? Crowbar? Cell phone? Something?
E.____(Weapon)_____
Then I realize, duh. I don't need a weapon. I have a superpower! And that super power is....
A. My power to love like no man has ever loved.
B. X-ray vision.
C. Long, boring stories.
D. Super strength, or speed, or flying, I guess.
E._____(Super Power)______
We escape somehow. As we escape the scene, I realize that this moment calls for a catch phrase! So I clear my throat and exclaim...
A. "Love conquers all!"
B. "I sure had a great time."
C. "AWWW YEAH BOYIEEEEEEE!!!"
D. "Excelsior! Avacadavra! Party!"
E.______(Catch Phrase)______

Okay, pencils down. Let's see how you did.

First and foremost, there really weren't any "right" answers to this quiz (at least not in the available choices for answers, anyway). But wait! There WERE, however, wrong answers. Let's analyze the results!

If you answered mostly "A", then holy moly I hope you're a lady. Also, I think you might have a crush on me.
If you answered mostly "B", then you think I'm kind of boring. I mean, X-ray vision? Seriously?!
If you answered mostly "C", then you clearly don't know me at all. And I'm not sure you should be reading my blog. Also, we probably shouldn't be friends.
If you answered mostly "D", then you really need to be more decisive. There's a big, bright, world out there that is yours for the taking, so get busy living or get busy dying, man!
If you answered mostly "E", then you must, by law I just made up, tell me what they were. There are prizes for most creative/correct answers!

Excelsior!

-Kevin

I Reach for the Sun

Post number 45. I never thought I'd get up to this many posts, but amazingly, I have. Interestingly, 45 happens to be my second favorite number of all time. Why, you ask?

Good question. Not sure. But it sure is great! Just like this song, which I happen to like kind of a lot right now. Yuki Kajiura and Emily Bindiger make one heck of a musical duo. It's called "I Reach for the Sun". Here are the lyrics and the video, just for YOU!

every kiss you gave me touched my heart
every word still lingers in my mind
still lights the way to go
the song I sing is all for my love

every boat is aiming for the shore
every seed is growing towards the light
my heart still knows the place to go
let all my grief show the way below

every tear could be like a rain of grace to me

I reach for the sun
and sing for the sky
wishing my heart could fly
down to where my happiness lives
up the blue hills
to reach in the heart of the rainbow

I leave this place and then I’ll get on board
leaving all sadness behind
a brighter new dawn is breaking
I reach for your soul
deep in immortal love

every heart is wounded by some love
but every soul keeps searching from above
we’ll make our way beyond the hard pouring rain
just to find love

I reach for the sun
and sing for the sky
wishing my love would hear
anywhere your lonely soul is
I’ll be with you
We’ll meet in the heart of the rainbow

stretching my hands to the songs of the earth
far to the unresolving truth
my life is a mystic dream to me
I reach for your soul
deep in immortal love

Seriously, this song gets me every time on the part after the bridge. Man, I wish I could write songs like this. Dangity dang. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Night night night, love love love.

So there's a holiday today. It's called Valentine's Day. Now, in theory, I have nothing whatsoever against this holiday. I usually get candy and such. No big deal. Anyhow, instead of complaining about how single I am (which I hear is a GREAT way to woo the ladies) or talking about how stupid/commercial this holiday is, I am going to instead attempt to write impromptu prose on the enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a conundrum submerged in an abyss of W.T.H-E-C-K that is "Love". I call it... "Love is Like".

Love is like, like is love.
Love is like birds flying above.
Love apparently flies in formations like V's,
just like swans, ducks, ganders and geese.

Love is great, love is grand.
Love is lovely when you hold a hand.
But not a severed one, for that is gross.
It's not very pleasant, no, not even close.

Love is better than ice cream and cake,
love is better than eating pie for goodness' sake.
Pie is good, pie is fab,
pie is like... hold it. Let me get back on track.

Love is good, good is love.
Love is finding a fitting glove.
Except for it's not.
It's more like...um, something. Rhyming..uh, bot.

Love is me, love is you.
Ask Frank Wildhorn; he thought so too. (True story)
Love is a song, love is a dance,
love is like some guy named Lance.

Love is like love is love
love love love love love
lovelovelovelovelovelove.
Somebody get me a Pulitzer already.

-Kevin Neff
(P.S. If you want me to tell you what I REALLY think love is, call me or ask me in person or something.)

RANDOM TIME!

Tell me this isn't the most sickeningly smarmy love song ever. Tell me.

This Beautiful, Yet Broken World

Today I come before you all to talk rather openly and honestly about something that has been on my mind for a while now, especially in light of recent events. Now, normally, Kevin L Neff and His Random Rants is a place where uplifting, quirky, and funny times are had. While my aim here with this post is to inspire hope, I hope you understand that I am going to speak quite passionately about an unpleasant topic that I have always struggled with...

When children die.

I am not talking just about sickness here. I am talking about when, due to the carelessness of others, children are killed. This happens indirectly, for example, in war-torn countries where civilian casualties are common, and directly, like a drunk/distracted driver or disturbed adult.

Please understand... I know all about the Plan of Salvation. I know that little children are granted Celestial glory if their lives are cut short. (And it's not like I am okay with adults dying, either.) Yet, for some reason, there is perhaps no other occasion when I want more to raise my fists to the sky and shout, "What the heck is the matter with this stupid world?!" than when I hear of yet another child dying. You see, I don't handle that well. I have never handled it well. Of course, I don't have children of my own, and I've never had a tragedy like this occur in my own family... but that doesn't matter.

You see, when a child's life is taken from them, you are not only hurting their loved ones. You are not only taking from them THEIR future, you are taking away everyone's future. For all you know, that child could have been the one to fix this broken, broken world. That child could have made music, or become a teacher, a worker, a friend, a parent... so much potential extinguished.

But you know, regardless of the above reasons, I guess what I hate the most about these kinds of things is that there is no easy answer. There is no instant solution, some band-aid to make it better. I don't understand what it feels like, so it's hard to know what to do to help. There's nothing you can say; nothing you can do to really help someone who is suffering the loss of a child. I don't understand it, and I don't know if I ever will in this life. Sometimes, when it's a drunk/careless driver, or a negligent/abusive parent, we immediately desire retribution; for the offender to suffer more-so than they who originally suffered the loss. Some people sue the perpetrator, as if some monetary amount is going to bring the child back to life. Some people demand the death sentence. It seems justified, after all.

However, suffering compounded with suffering does not amount to healing; it only yields more sorrow. And, for every person responsible for the death of a child, purposefully or not, there are so many more children who die without any justice at all. There is not enough justice to fix the broken world. My heart breaks for these families, friends, and mentors of these children... and I just hate not being able to do anything about it. I hate feeling so helpless.

And... in a weird way... that's the beauty of it. I am not called upon to render justice upon anyone, even if I wanted to. I am powerless to turn back the clocks and prevent these kinds of tragedies. Even if I could hear the cries of every person and see every tear shed by every living person, I am just one man. I barely have the power to reach out to those precious few close to me, much less an entire world. Even though my heart breaks, that isn't enough to help anyone heal. I have to put all of my trust, all of my hope, all of my heartache into the hands of Someone who does know EXACTLY how it feels, and how to make it right.

Sure, this world-- as it stands now-- is broken. Children die, families are torn apart, and senseless wars rage upon the face of the Earth. Who on this broken planet, with so many broken people, can really put us all back together?

Interestingly enough, no one is going to do that. No one is going to put us all back to the way things were.

You see, while I don't know everything, I do know this: He who is perfectly acquainted with the sorrows and sicknesses of all people is not interested in just putting the pieces to our lives back where they go. No, He is interested in a far greater mission... to put us together, with Him as the master carpenter, as something better than what we were before. This world will continue to break until it shatters, but will be someday rebuilt as an eternal paradise. People who break down under the weights of poverty, illness, and whatever else during this life will be rebuilt as kings and queens in the next.

Most importantly, broken families who lose these dear, dear children will be put back together... to never, ever be separated again.

Birthdays Are Great

Birthdays. A day when for once, everyone takes a moment to not only commemorate your existence, but wish you well when otherwise nothing super important would have happened (with a few choice exceptions.) Isn't it great? Friends, neighbors, family, creepy Facebook stalkers... seemingly everyone comes together to celebrate the day you graced the world with YOUR presence, to start YOUR life, and most importantly, celebrate YOU. It is a day when you can tell Copernicus to get lost, because on your birthday the world revolves around YOU, dang it!

Well, for most people. I've actually never had a birthday like that... a day dedicated by friends and family to celebrating just me. You see, unless you've been living under a rock for the past 24 (TWENTY FOUR.) years, you would know that I'm a twin. That means that my birthday has been and will always be shared by someone else within my immediate family. So you know what? Since it IS Christopher's birthday also, I am going to tell you why it's an honor to share my birthday with him.

Christopher is awesome. He's dedicated, funny, loyal, smart (freaking smart), spiritual, and everything I've ever wanted to be. I mean, lots of people ask me (there's literally.... three) what it's like to be a twin. My response to that is always the same; "What's it like not to be a twin?" Even though I don't know any different, I know one thing: I would be a terrible mess without him. Sure, he doesn't keep the room super tidy, but big deal. I hardly ever make my bed. Sure, he leaves his shoes everywhere but the closet. So what? I don't think I ever make the complete transfer of clothing from the laundry basket to my drawers. Where I'm dramatic, stressed out, and zany, he's patient, chill, and focused. He is the perfect compliment to me.

Here are a few Christopher quirks you might not know.
1. He absolutely can't stand the sight of black socks with shorts. If I ever try something like that, he throws things at me until the socks are off.
2. His favorite foods are, in no particular order, cheeseburgers, root beer, and... and.. DANG it! What was the last one?! Fruit salad? Gosh, I think so.
3. He detests the music of Kenneth Cope.
4. He is amazingly amazing at pantomime.
5. He is amazingly amazing at editing music and making it still sound good.

Christopher has a system of thinking that's totally unique. The way he views the world, the way he thinks about things... I'm kinda jealous. He takes no effort whatsoever to memorize things about actors, movies, songs or other items of pop culture, but then again, he's the one who has gotten three sets of straight A's in college. (I might be wrong; I don't know.) One thing that's great about him is he's the best friend anyone could hope for. We like all the same things, we do all the same stuff... we are just awesome together! I couldn't ask for a cooler person with whom to share my birthday.

This one's for you, buddy! Happy Birthday, Christopher!

-Your Pal
Bob-O the Clown! I mean, Kevin!